HUMINT: Secret Transcript

SATIRE: The following are transcripts of recorded conversations between chess pieces conspiring to check mate their opponents. To understand the jargon, let’s review chess pieces and the chess board. The players on each side include 1 King, 1 Queen, 2 Rooks, 2 Bishops, 2 Knights and 8 Pawns. The board, or battle field as it is aptly named by the pieces, is broken down into eight rows labeled 1-8 and eight columns labeled a-h. To designate the location of a piece, the notation is as follows, [ROW,COLUMN] for example, 1a indicates the far left and closest square on the white team’s side of the board. There are 64 squares on the battle field, differentiated by color, usually light and darker shades of wood. Each team is separated by color as well, commonly black and white.

The method by which this conversation was recorded is considered a national (chess) secret, not to be disclosed under any circumstances. The transcript was released to the media by an anonymous source who felt compelled to be an ass, despite the illegality and immorality of their treasonous act. As a non-partisan “journalist/blogger/sympathizer”, I am only propagating these damaging and controversial transcripts for blog ratings. Sure, I might be destroying my own free country. So what?

Be forewarned. This secret transcript continues below with admissions of guilt and a conspiracy to commit a cover up. It reveals a disturbing fictitious truth. This is a story about two Knights abusing an enemy Queen. It’s about a Pawn who inadvertently leaked classified material and will probably end up paying for it for the rest of his short life. It’s about U-Tube and a classified threesome. It’s about a Rook running interference for a King, preparing his team for reelection. It’s about all of the chess pieces in the world… It’s about the billions of pawns playing chess on line right now. It’s more than a story. It’s a reflection of my anthropomorphic representation of chess pieces. Their fictitious hopes. Their fictitious dreams.
HUMINT: Does it matter that it’s fake? No, not really… You have the evidence now. Judge for yourself.

2003-04-07 [18:06.12 – 18:32.52] Conversation between WP4 and WR2 concerning their opponents

WP4 to WR1: Damn! Did you see that U-Tube video of BQ with WK1 and WK2? They were tag teaming her in front of BK’s face. WK1 came in from behind and locked her down. She was trapped and WK2 took her out.

WR1 to WP4: That was a classic, but that film shouldn’t have been made. That was a classified move they made and now the whole frikin planet knows it… You know our king! Mother [redacted explicative, substitute “messing”] WK doesn’t want BK1 and BK2 [redacted explicative, substitute “messing”] around with his WQ. Do you know who was holding the camera… filming this thing? I’m going to kill the prick. That’s not to mention what I’m going to do to the guy who posted it on U-Tube…

WP4 to WR1: Oh [redacted explicative, substitute “crap”] WR1, I did it… that was classified?… you’ve got to be kidding me! WK1 and WK2 were doing their jobs and I was thinking…

WR1 to WP4: You weren’t thinking, God [redacted explicative, substitute “Bless You”]! What the hell am I going to tell WK about this? He is going to frikin kill you.

WP4 to WR1: Have you seen how the pawns are acting out there on the front lines WR1? They’ve seen the video and are all fired up. We are cutting the enemy’s lines of communication, chasing them into their little spider holes and tossing grenades in after them. Do you know how important U-Tube is? Do you know how many pawns are playing chess online right now? You and WK must be so out of [redacted explicative, substitute “”] touch that you’ve forgotten how to lead a group of pieces to victory. Did you ever really know? Do you pricks actually believe in anything or are you a bunch of… That’s it isn’t it? You’re afraid of true believers and that’s why you cower when it comes to a fight or a conversation with them. There was no such thing as U-Tube when you guys were earning your spots on the board. You have to understand, if we lose out there, we lose here as well! Damn it!

WR1 to WP4: Bull [redacted explicative, substitute “crap”]! Our team has elections coming up again soon and we aren’t ready for this mess you’ve made…

WP4 to WR1: Who do you think we are WR1? We’re chess pieces. We don’t have elections! It’s our job to go out there and take down the other team. Listen to me WR1! You are going to do exactly what you did after you killed eight BPs in a rage after one of them took out your WR2. You are going to cover this thing up and we are going to forget about it. Alright!




  • HUMINT: Secret Transcript

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